


Take me back (to the night we met)

by finns_lightsaber



Category: Dare Me (TV 2019), Dare Me - Megan Abbott
Genre: Angst, F/F, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Reminiscing, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-23
Updated: 2020-03-23
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:34:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23276395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/finns_lightsaber/pseuds/finns_lightsaber
Summary: This fic explores what Beth was thinking/feeling when Addy walks away in 1x10. There are passive mentions of sexual assault (i.e Kurtz stuff). Beth mostly reminisces about her and Addy's kiss in 1x8 and thinks about their relationship in general. Beth is depressed/self-deprecating in this fic. Also, it's Beth's pov and Beth can be a little...Beth so you get the gist. She can think/say some messed up stuff.
Relationships: Beth Cassidy/Addy Hanlon
Comments: 1
Kudos: 52





	Take me back (to the night we met)

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me at bi-ten.tumblr.com

The Friday night lights stung Beth’s eyes. Her eyes strain as she watches Addy walk away from her. Addy just couldn't see the whole picture. Could she? God, she couldn’t. All Beth ever wanted was to feel something. Anything at all. And, lately, she couldn't. Not without Addy. Not without her girl. God, she wanted to feel something. No amount of sex, drugs, or alcohol could make her feel anything anymore. Especially after Playland. After what Kurtz...did. Watching Addy walk away from her at the game was the last straw. She was completely numb. The one good thing in her life was gone. Addy had picked coach over her. Of course she had. Everyone picked someone else over her. Her dad had, so why wouldn't Addy. She had been so stupid. Addy never loved her. That kiss meant nothing to Addy. But, fuck, it meant everything to Beth. She felt something for once in her miserable life. She swallowed the lump in her throat and stormed off of the football field. No one should see her cry. The same scene kept playing in her head as she walked away, like a record player stuck in a loop. 

Sitting in her jeep, with tears pricking her eyes, she was still thinking about that night. It rained hard that night. She can remember how the rain felt on her skin: cold, yet refreshing. Like she was being reborn. The giddiness. That night just keeps playing in her head lately, but especially now that Addy left her for good. It’s all that is keeping her sane. The sounds of the old, rickety merry-go-round. Addy’s face in the dim light of the park. Her smile. The look and crinkle of her eyes. And her lips. Fuck, her lips. One ghost of a kiss made her feel more than any guy ever had. Pulling her back in. It’s all she ever wanted her whole life. But it was gone before she ever even had it.

All Beth wanted was to go back to that night. To crawl back inside that memory. To cocoon herself in it. To kiss Addy and never let go. To kiss her until her lips were raw and pink and beautiful. But Beth was too much of a pussy. She put on a bold front, but really she was scared. Scared of herself. What she could do. Her sexuality. She knew in her gut she was gay. Fuck, she’s always known. It’s just something she pushes down into the deep crevices of her mind, like everything else remotely hard in her life. 

She curled her pale bruised knees to her face. What a sight it must be to see Beth Cassidy crying in the front seat of her Jeep all alone, like she always seemed to be nowadays. She wants to scream, to hurt someone, to hurt herself. Then again, cutting was such a middle-school thing to do. She laughed bitterly to herself. Beth Cassidy really was a raging cunt, huh? A hypocrite of the worst degree. Maybe she uses her bitchiness to cover up the fact that she is miserable. And she is hopelessly in love with Addy Hanlon. All she wants to do is bury herself into Addy’s hair and cry. Cry about how everytime she looks in the mirror, all she can see is the scar on her neck that reminds her of what Kurtz did. Cry about how much she wants Addy to be her girl again. Or was she ever hers to have? To cry about her dad leaving. But most of all she misses Addy and that night. 

She felt like she could do anything that night after Addy kissed her. Beth had felt alive for once. No amount of weed or sex ever made her feel that alive. She wishes she would have said something to Addy instead of brushing it off. Instead going along with Addys insistence that it meant nothing. That was just a drunken kiss. All girls kiss their best friends when they’re drunk, according to Addy. Do all girls feel limitless when kissing their best friend? Like they could rule the world? Beth doesn't think so. It had meant the world to Beth. But not to Addy. Addy would rather fuck that tiny little blonde, Coach. Beth could hardly blame her. But, damn, it stung. She knew Addy was scared and confused, too. And that coach was manipulating a confused teenager that never would admit her sexuality to even herself. Still, it hurt. It broke her already fragile heart into a million pieces. She once told Addy that she would break Beth’s heart. And that time had come. 

In her head, she’s spinning Addy round and round. Addy is laughing. The rain glistensing off her soft skin. Addy’s words still ring in Beth’s ears. She’s pulling Addy close to her. Feeling her breath on her lips. She’s tasting her. And she tastes like something that is uniquely Addy. The feel of Addy’s wet skin on hers. It’s all she can feel. 

She looks up into the night. The school lot has emptied by now. All Beth has for company are the moths swarming the bright lights of the parking lot. Was she as desperate for Addy as those moths were for light? Yes. Oh god, yes. And then the rain began to fall. A kind of cold rain that only falls in the midwest during fall. So utterly different from that summer rainstorm. If only someone could take her back to the night they kissed. When Beth had all of Addy. When she was hers. But that night would never come again. That rain would never fall again. She never would have Addy. Addy never would be her girl.


End file.
